Devotion (Indecision Duet Book 2) Read online

  Shutting off the engine, I grab my coffee and take a sip before exiting the car. Then again, I think to myself, she may be still mad at me and not want me to go with her. That is an option I sat up all night trying to wrap my brain around as well. If she was hell-bent on making this move on her own, I finally decided I was going to have to give her the space she needed. Forcing the issue will not help either one of us. As much as it would hurt, I decided if I had to walk away, I would - and let her chase her dream without me.

  Life has shown me through the years that we all need a little time to grow and accomplish things we have our minds set on. Walking away would be heartbreaking, but I’d do it with the hope she will one day find her way back to me, because hell if I would ever stop loving her. Even if I had to lose her for a short while to her dreams, to her plans, it could prove to be worth it because her, us, this - is unforgettable.

  My phone alerts a text as I step outside and lock up my truck. The rain has stopped briefly, but the sky looks like it won’t be gone long. Balancing my coffee and keys, I pull my phone from my pocket to read the text.

  Rex: Just text Gwen we are almost there. Sure you’re there already. See you soon.

  Shoving my phone back in my pocket, I take the short walk across the parking lot and enter through the hospital doors. After quickly checking in and receiving a visitor’s pass, I take the hallway to the right and start the short walk to the room number the lady at the front desk gave me.

  Walking away. Those two words are the most horrifying reality I might just be about to face. But arguing and fighting is no way to live out a relationship which was so full of love and laughter. I’d rather remember us just the way we were. Not drug out over a few more months and only have nightmares of how it ended to fall asleep with at night. If she needs to go, she can go. I can finally let her because of how much I love her. Holding on to her would only be holding her down, and she is far too special to never have truly been able to spread her wings and fly.

  I stop as I near the door and can hear voices coming from inside. Gwen is already here, and I can tell the conversation is not one to just be barged in on. So I wait, giving the two of them their space when all I want to do is push past this curtain and take what I hope is still mine. The room goes silent, and then I hear Evelyn.

  “It can’t work.” I hear her confess through tears.

  I stop dead in my tracks as there is only one thing and one person I undoubtedly know she must be talking about. My palms go sweaty as anxiety creeps in and I listen closer. My worst nightmare might quickly be becoming my new reality. I just hope my heart is strong enough to bare it.

  “It was never meant to be.”

  My heart stops. Does she really believe that? She couldn’t. Not after all we shared. Not after the way she looked in my eyes every time I made love to her. The fire we both have for one another could never be a mistake and it starts to burn as I hear her say so.

  “People change. No matter what, I’ve got to let go. Got to leave everything behind. There is no use anymore.” I stand listening to her admission. The sound of her already making up her mind reaches deep inside and kills any sort of hope I had been holding onto. Then my heart breaks a little more when I hear her continue.

  “Not when I feel the way I do inside. Nothing and no one can change that. It’s time to say goodbye.”

  Goodbye? Her last word is the final blow to my world. A word I had hoped to never hear out of her mouth. Time drags as my mind reels attempting to put all I just heard together. Then, I hear Gwen respond.

  “If you’re sure?”

  Evelyn doesn’t hesitate as she continues insistently. “I’m more sure of this decision than I have ever been of any other one in my entire life.”

  My feet have a mind of their own as they start hurling me down the hallway and towards the doors of the hospital. I knock into a nurse holding a cup of water and receive a glare as I almost spill the container everywhere. I can’t be here. Not now. Not after what I have just heard. I pass the front desk, ripping off my name tag and throwing it into a wastebasket by the front door. Exiting the building, I throw my coffee in the nearby trashcan and almost run into Michael and Evelyn’s parents as they are walking in.

  “Hey man, where’s the fire?” I hear Michael ask. But I don’t stop. Rex is bringing up the rear, and when he sees the look on my face I hear him holler to Michael that he will just be a minute. I’m already halfway to my truck before he can stop me.

  “Woah, slow down! We already have one friend in a hospital bed, we don’t need another!” I hear Rex demand as he grabs ahold of my arm, attempting to pull me to a stop.

  I pause at the door to my truck and then begin to pace in an invisible little box square on the ground. Like a caged animal, I blow out breath after breath trying to put out the burn inside. The hurt of a confession I knew was a possibility, but one I was almost positive I was not going to hear.

  “What happened? Where are you going? I thought you’d be all over that girl up in there after the way you looked yesterday just waiting for any news?” Rex stands in front of me and looks me over with a worried expression. I glance up at him, a look of hatred unapologetically grazes my face. He steps back, sensing I need my space as I start to pace again.

  Shit! I knew it! I knew this could happen. I knew she was free to make her own damn choice, but hell if it doesn’t still hurt like a bitch. Sting with a vengeance I have never felt before. I take a few deep breaths trying to calm myself. I need distance. Distance and space. Just like the space and distance I just heard she obviously needs from me. I was stupid to even think maybe things could work out in the future. Right now, I need a release, and one I haven’t had in far too long.

  “You care to tell me what’s going on?” Rex asks again, concern lacing his tone of voice. I stop and look up at the sky. The sky I was admiring just a few short minutes ago, thinking about new beginnings and shit. Dreaming of fresh starts that now seem dumb as all hell.

  “I heard a conversation that pretty much just nailed the coffin closed on anything I was going to try and make work out. How about we just put it that way!” I glance his way, a fire in my eyes as I try not to give into the emotions I am having a hard time containing. Rex flinches at my side as I see a look of recognition on his face. He shifts his weight on his feet and waits for me to continue. “I got to give her space.” I hear myself say the words but I’d be lying if I said I honestly believed them. Not yet. “She wants other things. I heard her Rex. I will always love her. Damn it, I could never stop. But holding onto her would only be dragging her down - and hell, I love her too much to ever do that.”

  His face softens. His sad smile echoes my own as we both realize letting go is the only choice I have. “What kind of space do you have in mind?” I hear Rex question.

  There is only one place I can go. Only one place that would not be tied to any memory of her. I don’t stand a chance of staying here and staying away. Her memory would always haunt me. If she needs her space to go, if she has to say goodbye, then I have to as well.

  “I’ve got to go home,” I confess suddenly in almost a whisper. “I’ve got to go back to Kentucky. It’s the only place she won’t be. Her memory won’t…” I trail off as Rex puts a hand on my shoulder and gives it a light squeeze. “I’m almost done with the construction on the club anyway.”

  “Don’t even worry about that,” Rex chimes in. “I trust the guys you have hired to finish it. I understand man. It is what it is, and you’re doing the honorable thing.”

  I roll my eyes at the floor and think of another time I had to give myself some space from a certain other woman I needed to escape. This time though, my road is leading me right back to where it all started. Where I first started running, and I realize how important it is that I stop.

  Rex blows out a breath and then sticks his hands in his pockets. “When will you be leaving?”

  I look out at the sunrise and squint as the brightness floods my vision. Lea
ving. Hell if I would’ve believed this crap a few weeks back. “The sooner the better,” I hear myself answer.

  Rocking back and forth a few times on the soles of his feet, he looks off in the distance along with me. A few minutes pass before he speaks. “Well,” he says. “I kinda could do with a little space myself, and God knows there is nothing like your mother’s cooking. It’s been a long time since I have seen Jolene too.” I shoot him a look when he mentions my older sister, which causes his hands to raise in surrender. “Hold on tiger!” I hear him laugh. “Not like you are thinking. But a road trip just might be what the doctor ordered for the both of us.”

  I start to add up in my mind how soon I think I can get ready to go. A few days, perhaps a week tops is all I need and I should be on the road. There is not much to pack, and the rest I can sell, give away or store at Rex’s until he can get rid of it. “Well hell!” I hear myself mutter. “I guess company wouldn’t be so bad. You think you can leave the club that long?”

  Rex laughs. “Are you kidding me? Michael would love to be rid of my ass for as long as I am willing to stay away.”

  I laugh for the first time in a few days all too well knowing the truth to his statement. “I’m guessing it will take me a few days to wrap everything up,” I say as the finality of my decision starts to set in. Leaving. A world without Evelyn, I can barely remember what that is like. Knowing I am about to step back into it makes me shiver with sadness.

  “Well, you go ahead and get a start on whatever you need to do. I’m gonna go up in here and say hello, and I will call you later to see what you need.” Rex starts to walk away and my reality sets in a little more, feeling heavy and weighing me down as I turn myself to get in my truck. Looking at the ground, I pause as I suddenly realize I don’t want Evelyn to know. I don’t want to sneak away, but I suddenly feel the need to do this as privately as possible.

  “Hey, Rex!” I turn and suddenly shout out across the parking lot. “Don’t tell anyone, ok? Don’t let her know I was here, or that I’m leaving, promise me?”

  “Don’t worry, I got your back brother.” Rex smiles before beginning to turn and continue walking towards the hospital entrance. “Your secret is safe with me.”

  Noah

  I was surprised at how easy it was to leave everything behind. When you have barely started a life, there is not much to get rid of. The hardest hit was breaking my lease which I had only started a few months earlier. Luckily, I have always lived with a stash of savings having grown up poorer than most - so paying off that mistake was easier than it would be for others. A few boxes, a couple trips to the local donation spot and giving a hand full of items away for practically free I found myself ready to hit the road with no intention of ever looking back after what I had overheard a day earlier. Taking shifts driving, it didn’t take long to put a lot of ground underneath us. Now, sitting in one of my favorite stopping spots on Beale Street in Memphis, I am only about four and a half hours from home and two days free from the past that I’m still trying to stop thinking about in California.

  The weather is pleasant as it drifts in from the open patio which acts as a small balcony of sorts looking out over the street. The dim light of the sunset matches the dim lit lights in the bar perfectly as a local blues band plays on the stage across the room from where Rex and I are sitting at the bar. Running my fingers down the condensation on my beer, I am pulled out of my thoughts as my phone vibrates with an incoming call on the counter next to me. Glancing at it, I unintentionally grab the bottle tight and lift it to my lips taking a long hard drink to kill the pain her name awakens deep inside.

  “Still not going to answer that?” Rex asks as he glances down at my phone sitting on the bar top next to me.

  Frustrated, I snatch the phone and shove it in my pocket. Standing, I turn away looking out across Beale Street to all the people coming and going. Laughing with drinks in hand, they stroll in and out of bars listening to some of the best music they will ever get the chance to hear. I’m neither here nor there, as suddenly I feel like I am in a foreign land weighed down by memories too heavy for a Friday night in Memphis.

  “If she wanted to say something, she would say it, but she never leaves a message.” I shrug at my lame attempt at an explanation. I take another drink and motion towards the bartender for another. Sliding the fresh beer across the counter, I grab it throw some money on the counter and walk towards the open patio. Following close behind, Rex doesn’t waste time in pressing the matter.

  “You know, I gave you two days and a little over 2,000 miles and didn’t say shit! You even had me lie to one of my oldest friends before following you more than halfway across the damn country. But, if you honestly are not going to pick up that phone and tell her the truth, I might just be forced to.”

  I feel a jilt of hatred, like Rex backstabbed me in just saying he would tell her. I shoot him a glare just as two women catch my eye sitting on bar stools across the patio we just entered. Both of them are staring and giving me a very open and undeniable eye for Rex and I to come closer. Rex doesn’t even notice or pay attention, which is very out of character for him, and I don’t have the stomach for what these two obviously have in mind. I smile politely before turning back to Rex next to me.

  “Trust me, I said what I needed to say before leaving. She got the message, or will in time.” My confession is met with a raise of the eyebrows as Rex wonders what I mean. “Like I said, if she wants to say something, she can leave it in a voicemail.” I pause for a moment and look away before turning to look him in the eye. “I can’t yet man. Not yet.”

  My plea is met with an understanding look as Rex nods his head a few times, concern and frustration lacing his features. He looks away from me and out across the street filling up with tourists and locals. I follow his stare, and wonder for the millionth time how something that seemed to be going along so great ended up screwed up so fast.

  “Just so you know,” I hear him begin to say, catching my attention and bringing me back to reality. “She didn’t say much when I told her you needed some space, even though she had no clue the amount of space I was talking about. But, if looks could talk, you may just be wrong about this one.”

  A gnawing stinging feeling floods my subconscious. Pushing it away, I down half of my beer and start out towards the street. Walking a few steps down to the sidewalk, Rex and I stop to let a few people pass before continuing down towards another bar. As we walk, his words still burn in the back of my mind and begin to make me question my decision for the first time since I made it. But, as we stop for Rex to order another beer off of one of the many open windows on Beale Street, I bury those fleeting feelings deep inside as the idea of trying to make any sense of it just isn’t a battle I want to wrestle with in my mind right now.

  I’ve been waiting almost two years to be this close to home. Walking on Beale Street in Memphis, I am almost there and don’t want to be weighed down by memories, feelings and the idea that I may or may not have just screwed up a love even I’m not stupid enough to understand only comes around once in a lifetime. Looking to the left, and then up the street at the setting sun, I let her memory begin to fade as the sun drops below the horizon and the neon lights of the street start to burn a little brighter.

  Evelyn

  Six weeks! Six weeks since my accident, since my whole world changed and I had no say in the outcome. Now, sitting in my living room with Carly Pearce’s eerie and hitting too close to home “Every Little Thing” playing on repeat - a soft early May breeze blows in from the open window across the room while I am left alone to sulk in what is left of my life. My right leg is elevated on a pillow propped on the coffee table in front of me, and I slowly lift the remote and press the back button for the song to start over again.

  Coming from the doctor's office earlier this morning when I got my casts off was a finality I was dreading for the last month and a half. Somehow, still wrapped up in the injuries of the accident, I could hold onto him - to us
. It was the last bit of him that was left with me. That, and a letter I received the Friday I got home from the hospital. The last day I let myself pick up the phone to call him and attempt to make right what had gone wrong.

  I pick up the letter sitting next to me and crush the paper in a closed fist in my hand. Not having the courage to tear it up or burn it, I open it one more time to read his words through the wrinkled paper. Words that still kill me all four or five times a day I without shame let myself open the piece of paper and read them as they slowly rip me apart.

  Evelyn,

  They say all things heal over time. As I sit here in my now empty apartment, haunted by the thought of you and me, I hope that is right.

  Your smell still lingers around me. Your laugh fills the room - and closing my eyes, I can still see you sleepy-eyed in the kitchen smiling back at me as you fill your coffee cup in the morning.

  I can’t stay here, because I will always be haunted by you long after you leave, and I wouldn’t be the man who loves you more than anyone ever could if I asked you to stay.

  Staying here, I will always need to come find you. To hold onto you and onto us, but I can’t. You deserve a chance at your dreams, even if they are not mine. Even if I am not one of them. I now see how I have to let you go.

  There are some things I have never told you, but I hope you understand that walking away from you is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Staying away is torture, but Darlin’, you deserve more.

  I hope you always know that wherever you go I will never forget you, and I will always be thankful for the time we had and how you showed me it was ok to love again.

  Loving you was the only thing in my life I ever did right.

  Your love will be a part of me forever. I see now, just not the forever I had hoped for when it came to us.

  I hope you follow your dreams, wherever they lead, as I hope you understand my need to walk away only remembering us the way we were.